It's been more than a year since i last posted here, we've had a godawful winter which never seemed to end and now it finally starts feeling like spring, soon i'll be able to climb up on the rooftop of my building again and just take in this spectacular view, essentially the same as the one from my apartment, about fifteen feet below, but what a difference those feet make! -i only hope that bitchy seagull from last year won't make her nest up there...

After so many years of anticipation...

My mother in a photobooth, around 1963-64.

...i've at last laid my hands on a copy of the 1964 swedish comedy "Svenska Bilder" (Swedish Portraits) in which my beautiful mother Katarina, then 23, had a minor part as a housemaid.
It has never been released on either vhs or dvd, only some public screenings and on television. So it was so exciting to finally see her in it, to see her walk and talk -even if all she said was "Yes, yes, madam is waiting" and "Thank you".
She never became an actress and this was the only thing she was in as far as i know, -although she took acting classes as well as dancing and singing lessons. She moved in those circles and at times worked as prompter at a theater.
With her striking looks and charm she probably would have made an excellent actress but, much like me, i guess she was too shy and insecure.
She went on to become a high school teacher and taught history, religion, swedish and drama.

Just those few seconds of seeing her made me incredibly happy, and the whole film is an extraordinarily pretty and witty little creation, i can't see why it was left in obscurity for so long. Here are some screen caps:


with Georg Rydeberg and Hans Alfredsson

Yet another little musical interlude...

I can't think of anything to post these days, my head is a mess of thoughts but i can't seem to make sense of them, or find ways to express them.
I hope all is well with you, my readers who are still there...

For now -enjoy this song - and gorgeous Fragonard-inspired little masterpiece of a video by the wonderful Claire Diterzi, to the title track from her terrific album "Tableau de chasse" (Naïve):

This christmas

With both my parents gone, and a dysfunctional, to say the least, relation with my remaining family i have, for the first time ever, celebrated christmas with friends. But i still had to have a little, but dense enough to house an entire family of squirrels without my dog knowing it, tree for my home, as i always have. Back in the days when we had a summer house in the archipelago my mother and i used to go out there and get trees right from the surrounding woods. Now those days feel both incredibly long ago, yet as if it was just last year. Such a strange feeling.
Now her portrait hangs there overlooking my little tree.

On christmas eve i was invited by one of my oldest friends to spend the evening with her, her sister, their mother and one of her oldest friends. I was assigned to do the meatballs, which are a staple on the traditional christmas table, and of course made them just the way my mother did.
So it was the nicest christmas in a long time. Next year i hope to be with my half sister and niece in Pennsylvania as i had originally hoped for this one.

As for the weather it's just been warm and humid, without a trace of frost, and that really pisses me off. I demand cold now!

I hope you have all had a pleasant christmas, and wish you a happy new year!

December will be magic again... i hope

Now it has been an awful long hiatus again; i've simply felt too blank and overwrought most of the time. Now i'm back to whine about the weather again; this autumn was unusually warm, and after the two last winters being all they should have been with snow and mostly cheek-pinching cold, this december has been hopelessly warm and damp with merely a little frost and absolutely no snow. Today has been grey and rainy and i wonder when and if this will turn. This is sweden, mind you! -and yesteday was able to eat a wild strawberry from my own balcony, as much as i love wild strawberries that only adds to my distress. I really don't like this at all and desperately hope that december, at least the remainder of it, will be magic again!

Kate Bush: "December will be magic again", Christmas special from 1980:

RIP Montserrat Figueras (1942-2011)

Today i was so sad to hear that the catalan soprano Montserrat Figueras had passed away, aged 69.
She was married to the violist and conductor Jordi Savall, together with whom she performed and made many great recordings, mainly with the ensemble Hespèrion XXI, which they both founded in 1974, specializing in music from medieval times to baroque.

Montserrat Figueras with Hespèrion XXI, lead by Jordi Savall: Cáncion Sefardí

The Belated Halloween Bash

Last saturday, on all saints' day, i transformed my little apartment into a haunted house and gave a nice, intimate little belated halloween party. Me and my two co-hostesses served the guests quesadillas, beetroot cake with blood red icing and roman punch. Sadly i never had the time, energy, funds or imagination to put together any kind of costume. But it was a fun night all the same.







On the balcony i placed a banshee, or someting, i made of some cardboard, bamboo sticks and two yards of tulle.

Happy Halloween!

A drawing i did this morning based on Thomas Gainsborough's iconic portrait of Georgiana, Duchess of Devonshire, from 1787. Simply done to wish all of my readers, who still are still around, a Happy Halloween!

Yet another little musical interlude...

I can't believe it's been six months since the last time i checked in here. I always come to think of things i should write about, or images to post here, but as with so much else in my life lately, it never seems to get done.

For now; heres a beautiful little Vashti Bunyan song to break the silence:

LOSS.

My father, painted by his good friend, the late Stig Claesson.

Four weeks ago my dear father died, aged 86.
He got pneumonia, and as he had COPD after a lifetime of fervent smoking, and stubborny refusing to quit, his lungs could no longer cope. He moved to a nursing home about a year ago, as he had gone weaker and weaker over the last years.

All my life i've been aware that i would lose him while i was young, -it's not like when my mother suddenly died, aged 64, more than five years ago, -that was a shock i haven't quite recovered from today, if i ever even will... -But it's still sad, as i had naturally hoped for him to get better, though it seemed more and more unlikely. In the past five years i have watched him... like land eroded by the sea, more and more bits of who he was falling away and his clear periods getting fewer and farther between. Because of his diabetes and stubborn refusal to do any kind of excercise offered him, he had also lost use of his legs.

Over the years there have been so many scares and false alarms. He had fallen numerous times, there were so many nights waiting for hours in the emergency room, thinking, and fearing that this might be it.

So the night before he died i was with him for a couple of hours. He was in a morphine haze and unaware of me being there. He was just lying there twitching slightly and breathing strenuously. Shortly after ten i tried to say goodbye to him; i took his hands, -his hands that he would normally have clasped firmly around mine, but now they were all limp, and i should have recognized the signs, but still i went home, strangely convinced that he'd be alright. So i got home and went to bed, and at about six in the morning a nurse called and told me that he had passed away. I went there immediately, and then i just stood there, all numb, looking at him. His hands were still warm, but there could be no doubt.
He was no longer there.

One of my father's self-portraits, probably 1980s

I regret that i might not have visited him as often as i could have since he moved to the home, only a few times per week at most. -sometimes he would call me at four in the morning, thinking it was afternoon, and asking me where the hell i was.
I went there as often as i had could of course, but can't help but feeling like i just dumped him there. That i abandoned him.

My biggest comfort is that I did spend so much time with him in the years between my mother's death and before he got too weak to do anything at all. I tried to get him out of the house, go to see exhibitions and go to museums, movies, restaurants and for long walks. And it's also comforting to think of what a long and eventful life he had after all.

So now i am an orphan. -though at times i've felt like i was his parent, i often feel like i have the mental capacity of an eight-year old. I've been held back by all of this, hardly realised any plans, if i ever even had any... i haven't had the energy to take up studies or do anything at all. In a way i am now free to start living, but i don't know where to begin... -and sometimes, i must admit, i feel uncertain whether i even want to, and just falling asleep forever seems so incredibly tempting, but as i have a fear of blades, heights and pain in general, and have no doctor to give me any kind of pills i guess i'm going to have to go on living.
Hopefully someday i'll even learn to enjoy it again.

Me, aged five, photographed by my father.

One of his favorites with Jussi Björling.

Solitude

Estella Blain (1930-1982) "Solitude" -written, composed and performed by Estella Blain Herself, with the orchestra of Christian Chevalier.
From the EP "Hurlevent" from 1967.

An incredibly beautiful song that suits my mood perfectly these days.

A little musical interlude...

Line Renaud: "Le Hully Gully"

Even though winter over here has mostly been everything i could possibly wish it to be, so far, freezing cold and dry; i constantly find myself dreaming of swaying palmtrees and oppressive heat, or maybe just a gentle, warm breeze... oh, and those gorgeous french dancers, in their trunks wouldn't be unwelcome either,
a pity they must all be in their 70s by now.

I adore these scopitones, precursors of the music video. Apparently these machines, invented in France in the second half of the 1950s, were made out of parts from discarded flying machines, a sort of jukebox. How i'd love to have one! -thankfully you can get several videos assembled on dvd's here. -or you can find tons to watch on youtube...


Hope to be back soon with posts, as i've said a hundred times before.
See you soon ...if you're still here.

Collage.

Last weekend a friend arranged a little collage-workshop at her office. The theme was nature and it's different aspects; the devastating, the tamed, the tropical, the bountiful etc... I got to do the occult/magical nature.
I had almost forgotten how much fun collaging was!

(click to enlarge)